So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
