remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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