Don't make out with my wife yet
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
