I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
