I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
