I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
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