I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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