and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Did I show you my penis last night?
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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