i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
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