I think I am morally bankrupt
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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