On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
