when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Randomize
