hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
He kissed a someone with a penis
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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