He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Randomize
