I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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