I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
