Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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