So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
