We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
