I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
