I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
i think i just naturally attract stoners
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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