Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
How does one acquire holy water?
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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