It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
