I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
