On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
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We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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