I accidentally burped into my bong.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
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