NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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