smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
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