come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
