Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
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