I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
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