These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
