just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize