The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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