shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
