when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
