508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
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