U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize
