I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
