and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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