Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
