I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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