I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
time to smoke my breakfast
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Randomize
