Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(310): View more from California

I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.

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(239): View more from Florida

"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.

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(585): View more from New York

I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.

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(210): View more from Texas

remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.

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(631): View more from New York

Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.

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(415): View more from California

Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.

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(585): View more from New York

i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants

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