***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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