She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I would fuck him just for his dog
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
