I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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