well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
