He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
Im part way to drunk.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Randomize
