The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Randomize
