You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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