Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Randomize
