I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
