I could make wine with my vomit
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Randomize
