Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
