imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Randomize
