I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
