onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
