I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
