puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
They are going to name an STD after you.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
